Status Update

Every Sunday Tim compiles a report about what we read the week before. For most of the books we mention, you can expect a review soon.

Sunday Status Update: February 19, 2017

This week, Frodo encounters an orc sympathizer.

Frodo: This week, some young hobbit turned up at my door wanting to talk about my book. I mean, it hasn't been published yet, but Sam talks. So I let him in and we started chatting, but over time it became obvious that what he really wanted to talk about was orcs. "Only, Mr. Baggins," he said, "I've been thinking and all. Innit the truth that orcs are really just elves?" So then I had to correct him and point out that no, in fact, orcs are elves who were taken and tortured and ruined by the Dark Lord. "Well, yes," he said, "but that just means they're still elves underneath it all, right?" I said I supposed so, though I must say the conversation was making me uncomfortable by then. "So Mr. Baggins," he went on, "I just mean to say... if all them orcs were just tortured elves 'n all... don't you feel bad that you and your lot killed... Read More

Sunday Status Update: February 5, 2017

This week, Legolas finds himself a newly minted politician. Spoilers for Lord of the Rings.

Legolas: Journal Entry 3450397: Still in Gondor. Ever since our crazy suicide mission inexplicably succeeded, I've been deluged in letters from home telling me to use my influence with the new king to make sure the wood elves get a good deal out of all this. I'm also supposed to mention the stellar contribution that we made to the war effort, which... I mean, did we? I remember Gandalf saying something about fighting in other lands, but it's funny how we never seemed to run into any Orc armies heading off to Mirkwood or wherever. So far as I can tell, my father and his kingdom basically sat on the sidelines, golf-clapping whenever Gondor looked like winning. Knowing that makes it rather hard to start arguing a generous trade agreement or whatever. Maybe I'm not cut out for this... Read More

Sunday Status Update: January 29, 2017

This week, Batman again.

Batman: Field report for January: joined the Justice League in an interstellar war against the New Gods. Confronted their cosmically superpowered leader myself, stared him down. Returned to Gotham following the crisis' resolution, and was promptly knocked out and taken captive by Two-Face (a deranged lawyer with no particular combat expertise). Naturally I escaped, but I must admit that sometimes my life seems bizarrely dichotomous, as if my Fate is written by a completely different hand when I'm in Gotham. Perhaps some kind of psychological complaint is to blame? Maybe I subtly let down my guard while at home. Must watch for this. Final note: have at last determined the method whereby Wonder Woman avoids wardrobe malfunctions in combat. Very surprising. Had expected some kind of adhesive inside the bustier, but it seems that... [remainder of entry unreadable due to heavy rent ... Read More

Sunday Status Update: January 22, 2017

This week, Ayesha.

Ayesha: Week 148,893. As my prophesied love Kallikrates still apparently hasn't seen fit to get reincarnated and return to me, I once again had to come up with my own amusements this week. So I decided to fake my death. I gathered my people together, climbed up the side of the mountain, made a great big speech about existential despair and the human condition (totally wasted on my audience), and jumped. Four hundred feet onto solid stone. Well, it took them a while, but eventually they decided I was really dead and they ought to decide on a new leader. Some of them wanted democracy, and some wanted a monarchy, and it was all very fascinating, really. Of course, eventually some big lout decided to make himself king on the spot and started punching, so I had to get up and blast him. Then, of course, it was back to the usual awe and horror and religious fan... Read More

Sunday Status Update: January 15, 2017

Character update on break again. Next week. Next week.

 

Bill: This week was a smorgasbord. Genre-wise, I read Bradley P. Beaulieu’s With Blood Upon the Sand, his good-if-not-quite-as-good follow up to the excellent Twelve Kings in Sharakhai; and John Scalzi’s Miniatures, which didn’t leave much of an impression, though a few stories were cute enough. In the graphic story vein I read Love, Volume 4 The Dinosaur written by Frederic Brremaud and illustrated by Frederico Bertolucci, a wonderfully vivid wordless day in the lives of a few dinosaurs. In the literary fiction category I was held by the first two-thirds of Karan Mahaj... Read More

Sunday Status Update: January 8, 2017

Character update on break this week.

 

Bill: This week I read Babylon’s Ashes, the newest installment of THE EXPANSE by James. S Corey. As has become the norm for this series, I stayed up to finish it in one night—love this story and these characters! I also read City of Ice, K.M. McKinley’s follow up to The Iron Ship. Like its predecessor, the sequel is a sprawling, slow sort of story, though I’d say unlike The Iron Ship, this one felt its length a bit more. Still enjoyable however, and I’m quite looking forward to the third book. Outside the genre, I finished What Playwrights Talk About When The... Read More

Sunday Status Updates: January 1, 2017

Wow, we're hitting the holidays dead on this year, aren't we? Happy New Year's Day from Fanlit! Also, Red Sonja.

Red Sonja: Apparently it is now a new year on the official, imperial calendar. Not sure why that matters, since that particular empire is a couple centuries defunct, but whatever. I guess it's convenient. So! New Year. I'd managed to scrounge some coin from guarding a caravan, so I spent the night in an inn. There were a lot of very merry people drinking and talking over each other, so I started conjoining myself to the drunker groups when I noticed somebody having an attack of generosity. Got a few free drinks that way. Anyway, during the proceedings, somebody asked me what my resolution for the new year was. Apparently I needed to have one. I told him my resolution was to buy a great big coat. He mulled that over through haze of alcohol fumes and eventually told me my resolution was stupid. I tol... Read More

Sunday Status Update: December 25, 2016

Merry Christmas, to those who celebrate it.

Kris Kringle: I'm stuck. I've been stuck for hours. I'm almost sure someone's closed the flue on me. I can see morning light. Send help!

Jana: This week I read Laura Bickle's Nine of Stars, a semi-weird-West-type of fantasy novel involving alchemy, shapeshifters, folklore, and winter in Yellowstone Park. Review to come shortly. I've also been (slowly) working on a review of an anthology edited by Robert Silverberg, This Way to the End Times: Cla... Read More

Sunday Status Update: December 18, 2016

This week, Supergirl with a story of holiday cheer.

Supergirl: Superheroes lead weird lives. I don't know what it is about grown men and women dressing up in colorful leotards and capes to wage neverending wars on crime that draws the weirdness, but sometimes it gets almost too much to handle. There was this one time when Batman got tossed backward in time and had to be Pirate Batman, which is objectively awesome but also deeply bizarre. And there was this other time Wonder Woman fought this 100-ft egg with a face, and the face had a Fu Manchu mustache, and the egg was named Egg Fu. Not making this up. But this year Wonder Woman had too much eggnog (you'd think she'd have had enough of egg-themed stuff by now, but whatever) and told me what is possibly the oddest tale of them all. So: this one year around Christmas, Superman heard that a couple of kids desperately wanted to believe in Santa Claus. So obviousl... Read More

Sunday Status Update: December 11, 2016

This week, Ron becomes a wizardly conspiracy theorist.

Ron: This last summer, I found myself in the muggle village and I bought myself a pen. Not a very nice pen, supposedly (I asked Dad -- he said it was actually a pretty ordinary sort of pen), but it wrote just what I wanted and it didn't run out of ink. It was bloody brilliant. I loved my pen. So that started me thinking, why is it that we don't use pens? It seems like an awfully harmless bit of muggle technology. So I took my pen to Hogwarts. Do you know what happened? It broke. My pen broke. Because magic messes with muggle artifacts or something. Only... that doesn't actually make sense, does it? I mean, it's a pen. It's got some ink and a little ball, supposedly. It's not like it's got a computer or electricity or anything. And if pens don't work here, how come doorknobs are still fine? Seems suspiciously arbitrary. I'm beginning to susp... Read More

Sunday Status Update: December 4, 2016

This week, Batman again.

Batman: Field report for November. Joker has now crossed major milestone, as he is now statistically leading cause of death for Gotham residents. Beginning to feel serious job-related stress as a result. One of the Green Lanterns asked me last week if it would be helpful if he simply pitched Joker at the sun and we never spoke of it again, but had to reject his offer. I continue to believe in Gotham, in its ability to one day stand on its own two feet and prosecute criminals according to the legal system. Saying so does not help Gotham in mean time, however, as everyone in city seems intent on demonizing me for not finishing him off. Graffiti on bat signal a week ago read "just kill the clown already. God." Meanwhile, Harley Quinn is statistically the 12th leading cause of death for Gotham residents, but the entire city continues to believe her to be some kind of adorable, puckish rogue ... Read More

Sunday Status Update: November 27, 2016

This week, Peter Pan nearly finds a sort-of mother. Because that is still apparently a thing Peter Pan is trying to do in 2016.

Peter: This week I finally found a new mother to replace Wendy. At least, she knew all sorts of great stories and she seemed to want to come fight pirates and always be young with me. But when I went through her bedroom window that night to spirit her away to Neverland, an alarm went off. It turns out that some houses are not kidding with those stickers on the windows. Anyway, my mother's mother came charging in and tried to hit me with a golf club, so I had to fly away. At least she didn't open up with a machine gun, like the dad last week. There's a reason I'm not asking American kids to Neverland anymore.

Brad: This week I read Julie Smith's Louisiana Hotshot, Read More

Sunday Status Update: November 20, 2016

This week, Ayesha.

Ayesha: Week 148,846. No Kallikrates. No Kallikrates at all. Also, I might have gone a little mentally off earlier this week.  My servants have all left me to go on some sort of asinine hunger strike (at some point, they're going to have to believe me that I really can't make the dry season go away). I was left all alone, with no one to see to the upkeep. It wasn't a good situation. So, naturally, I came up with a solution to the problem. I decided I'd maybe just reanimate Kallikrates' mummified corpse and make it walk around tidying the throne room and so on. Nothing too crazy. Anyway, that seemed to work, so Then I got hold of a bunch of other mummies from the tombs of Kor and set them to helping. At first, I suppose I was just experimenting to see how much I could really manage without my servants. It was going swimmingly. But then the days just kept on passing... Read More

Sunday Status Update: November 13, 2016

This week, Conan gives his instructive outlook on kingship.

Conan: This week, everyone seems very concerned with political rule for some reason. Very well, then -- as I, Conan, currently wear the jeweled crown of Aquilonia (upon a troubled brow), I shall relay to you secrets of kingship and the ways of rulers. And it is this: it's shockingly easy to get in, but not so easy to get out. No, seriously, I've been trying for ages, but they keep dragging me back in. Look, admittedly I did strangle the previous king and pitch his body onto the heads of a cheering mob, but I didn't realize conquering a kingdom would mean so much... ah... kinging? It was a laugh, wasn't it? It was funny. It's not funny now. Not funny at all. I've got a minister coming later this afternoon to talk to me about a new proposed law. Do you know what he needs my opinion on? Clause 12b of Subsection VII. Apparently the ph... Read More

Sunday Status Update: November 6, 2016

This week, Batman.

Batman: Field report for October. The Riddler escaped from Arkham Asylum again (seriously must look into updating security -- what do they have, a revolving door?), but I recaptured him fairly easily. Beginning to think he's just getting tired -- one of his riddles was stolen from The Hobbit. Not entirely sure why he's still trying -- at this point, everyone just solves his riddles by searching it on Google anyway. Scarecrow tried to attack the city on Halloween, just like always. Actually find beating the snot out of him under the gaze of jack-o-lanterns oddly festive at this point. Must not indulge this feeling. Awkward moment later in the night, when I mistook woman in catsuit for Catwoman. Forced once again to ponder tactical advantage of leaving lower face undefended -- pepper spray not much fun.

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Sunday Status Update: October 30, 2016

In honor of (almost) Halloween, Dracula joins us this week. For full experience, please proceed to read his words out loud in obnoxiously awful Transylvanian accent.

Dracula: Another year come and gone. Long have I walked the night upon this world, but never before have I felt I may have lived too long. Where now is the respect for the proud name of Dracula? Where now the terror due the lord of the undead? Just last night, I came upon a young woman asleep on her garden bench. I fell upon her to feed, and she woke to see me. She... laughed at me. I was perplexed. I thought perhaps she was mentally unusual. I asked her what was the matter with her. She told me that I was "an old-school vampire." I believe she was rather drunk. But then she took out a little box she called her phone, and she showed me images of attractive young men, and strange drawings of a fellow in a red coat. It seems that these were image... Read More

Sunday Status Update: October 23, 2016

This week, Red Sonja confronts Lovecraftian horror.

Red Sonja: This week, I ran into one of those eldritch horror death cults that Conan's always going on about. I was just supposed to be finding a prize cow. Not my most dignified moment, but hang dignity, it's a cold autumn in the Northern realms and I need money for inns. So off I went to track this cow and I found out the thief had sold it to this old man. Figured I'd have a talk with him, so I headed out to his house. Should've smelled a rat when I heard it was on the tall, creepy hill above town (shadowed by lots of spooky pale birches, of course). Anyway, the usual nonsense ensued. Creepily empty house, tracks leading out to a cave out back, hollow hill, bonfire, prayers to unholy alter-dimensional monsters, hideous shadowy form like tendrils of putrescence floating in the air, etc. Anyway, this is the bit where Conan would've pounced on the altar and ... Read More

Sunday Status Update: October 16, 2016

This week, Legolas finds the after-victory parties of the Fellowship of the Ring somewhat less enjoyable than expected.

Legolas: Journal Entry 3450867: The dark lord is defeated, the land flourishes under its king, and the world is freed from wickedness. See? I'm trying to stay positive. I really am. But see, all the Fellowship is staying in this big house together, and by now the fun is starting to wear a little thin. The first couple of nights? Sure, great, we'll have fun. Big party. But do you know what a halfling's drinking capacity is? It is not high. Not high at all. So that's the four of them taken care of before eleven. Mithrandir is apparently far too important to hang around with us (he's gotten damn snobby since his fashion update), and Aragorn spends all his time with Arwen, so by midnight it's always just me and Gimli. I have now heard pretty much every embarrassi... Read More

Sunday Status Update: October 9, 2016

Character update is on break this week, but things will return to normal next week.

Kelly: Last weekend I attended Archon in Collinsville, IL, and had a great time. I learned a lot from the panel on fantastical elements in Shakespeare's works -- did you know actors were trained in huge, set gestures so that people could follow the plot even when they couldn't hear the dialogue? Or that costumers essentially dumpster-dived for nobles' clothing scraps, because you needed certain colors to indicate nobility on stage but weren't allowed to actually buy such fabrics by the sumptuary laws? All kinds of stuff that makes total sense, but that you just don't really think about... Read More

Sunday Status Update: October 2, 2016

This week, the Beast from Beauty and the Beast.

The Beast: Do you know what's the worst thing about my predicament? You might say it's the way everyone from the nearby villagers to the royal court appears to have forgotten completely that I ever existed, and I have no idea why. That stings, I'll grant you, but it's not the worst. You might say it's that all of this happened to me (and my subjects) because when I was eleven years old I wouldn't let some sketchy old woman into my house in the middle of the night. That is also rather aggravating, but it's still not the worst. No, the worst is that I have this portrait of myself as a full-grown man, and I have no idea how or when it was done. I've been a beast for ten years. There's literally no way. But there it is. Right there on the wall. I mean, what the... what? I can only assume this is some trick of the enchantress', meant to mo... Read More

Sunday Status Update: September 25, 2016

Something of a slow week, which means... it's time for the characters to take over again.

Ayesha: Week 148,394. Still no Kallikrates. I did have a rather bizarre visit, though. Some pale little man showed up from nowhere in particular with a lot of pamphlets and started telling me about how I should accept Jesus Christ as my personal lord and savior. Jesus is either on his way to me, or has already been here and left, or maybe he's just spying on me from somewhere? Honestly, I was getting very little of it, because the interpreter was dreadful. In the end, I promised that if I saw Jesus, I would welcome him. That seemed to satisfy the funny little man, and off he went. I don't know why he thought it was such a momentous decision. It's not like I charge admission to this place. If a dancing elephant came by wanting to visit, I'd probably let him in too. I lead a boring life.
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Sunday Status Update: September 18, 2016

This week, Legolas begins to wonder where his wartime career is going.

Legolas: Journal Entry 3450333: At the court of Rohan. Iluvatar's beard, what a dump. Whole place smells like horse, and it kind of soaks into whatever you're wearing, so now smell like horse. The king was apparently under some kind of enchantment that Mithrandir had to fix for him. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention. Aragorn was still in a big snit over having to give up his sword at the door, and so I had to keep nodding and uh-huh-ing him while he muttered on under his breath. Losing track of why I'm even on this quest at this point. I thought I was guiding a halfling to a volcano, but then I became an orc hunter, which was all right, and now I'm sort of the assistant to the King of Rohan's court wizard? What am I even doing? What would father say?

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Sunday Status Update: September 11, 2016

This week, Sir Bors, with another tale from the actual, not-intentionally-comedic Arthurian legends.

Bors: This week, Sir Tristram regaled us with the story of how he met Queen Isolde. Apparently, he got into a fight with a dishonorable sort of Irish knight with a poisoned sword. Tristram won but was poisoned, and only the Irish royal family had the cure (you'd have thought the dishonorable knight would have carried a vial of the antidote on him, just in case he had a bit of a whoopsie while applying the poison, but apparently that would just be too sensible). So Tristram knew that, having just killed this renowned Irish fellow, he wouldn't be terribly welcome in the Irish court. So he came up with a brilliant solution. He'd go incognito as some other harp-playing Cornish knight called "Sir Tramtris." Somehow or other this actually worked. So I suppose the rumors about the Irish court's general drunkenn... Read More

Sunday Status Update: September 4, 2016

This week, Ayesha is still waiting for her lost love Kallikrates.  It's been a couple thousand years. But I'm sure it'll be any day now. Right... ?

Ayesha: Week 148,387. Still no Kallikrates. Caught a few of my handmaidens disturbing the peace the other day. They'd turned one of the ancient passage tombs of dead Kor into a bowling alley and were making enthusiastic bets on the outcome. This last point came as something of a surprise to me, as I don't remember ever instituting a monetary system. Apparently one just sprang into being fully formed, disappointing all my vague ideas about socialist experimentation in agrarian communities. Damn, but I wish I could correspond with... literally any learned person... on this. Then again, since I apparently have an economy now, maybe I should set up a postal service too. Or some bloody universities, why not? But then the people would actua... Read More

Sunday Status Update: August 28, 2016

This week, Red Sonja explains the name of her sword.

Red Sonja: People keep asking me the name of my sword. They seem to think it should have some very heroic-sounding name. And I keep telling them that no, it doesn't have a name. What, do woodsmen have to name their axes now? Do farmers have to name their sickles? Maybe the nobility can start naming their favorite goblets? But no, my situation is different for some reason, or so I have to judge by the fact that when I returned from the latest job (covered in slime and griffin blood, I might add) I found that the whole village had taken it upon themselves to name my mighty, griffin-slaying sword. Oh, there were plenty of contenders. There was the artsy contingent that wanted Whisper or Sorrow, and there were the bombastic sorts that wanted Corpsemaker or Hellsbane. Then you had that extremely dotty young woman who ... Read More