Santa a Vampire? You decide.

Dear Karen Chance: Thank you for agreeing to do an author interview at fantasy literature.com on January 5th. Normally, I start an interview asking about an author’s childhood, work habits and hobbies and the like. But during my research, I noticed that someone has written the most extraordinarily frank and well researched answers to these questions on your website at www.karenchance.com For instance,
• Place you grew up? The land of make believe
• Work habits: Astonishingly lazy
• Morals: Prone to relationships with vampires (note: this may be more implied than stated)
• Hobbies: giving relationship advice to women. You even have a section about why relationships with vampires are so great (written from a female’s perspective, I might add). It is this last point I wish to blog about today by way of an open question for you to answer during your interview at fantasyliterature.com on January 5th.

The situation: In recent years, a, um, friend of mine has begun to suspect that my wife that is to say, his wife, a) has an ongoing relationship with a vampire; and b) that the vampire is Santa Claus. And before you scoff at this like everyone else, let me, present my friend’s evidence, which I think every rational person will agree is quite compelling.

  1. Santa Claus appears to be immortal.
  2. He only shows up at night and in a very sly and sneaky way.
  3. He has supernatural quickness and the apparent ability to mind wipe … my friend after every visit.
  4. He dresses in the color of blood, which is obviously in case of splatters.
  5. Just before he comes to town, my friend’s wife starts acting strangely: singing songs about joy, happiness and love, bringing live trees into the house, and eating lots of chocolate…
  6. Most damningly, every year, Santa Claus gives lingerie to my friend as a present but invariably when he tries it on, he discovers that it is not even in his size but his wife’s! And then instead of taking it back to the store for an exchange (as would be the obvious next step), his wife insists on keeping it as a memento of Santa’s visit. And then she starts slinking around in it when least expected in a very distracting way. And so as you can see, my friend’s fears about Santa Claus are well founded indeed!

My first question for you – entirely on my friend’s behalf – is: can you confirm or deny that Santa Claus is indeed vampiric?

Second: If you have a committed boyfriend or husband, is your significant other an actual vampire? And, if not, is he as insanely jealous as, um, my friend? And are there some vampires who he’s happy to see come around? Or are there some vampires (say, Santa Claus, as a random example) with whom he forbids you to relate at all?

Third, What do you say to the suspicions entertained by some (certifiably non-paranoid) husbands that vampires might be repeatedly mifantasy book reviews science fiction book reviewsnd wiping them every December? Is this an actual vampire ability? And are there long-term effects of repeated mind wipage? For instance, I notice that my friend frequently forgets where he puts things, and I (and he) are quite convinced this is ultimately somehow the fault of vampires. (Not that we’re bitter or anything).

And fourth, what advice do you (or your husband) have for spouses (such as my friend) who suspect that their spouses may be having a side relationship with a vampire?

Stay tuned for the answers to these and other weighty questions when we post herfantasy book reviews science fiction book reviews interview on January 5th. Karen will be stopping by throughout the day on the 5th to chat and answer questions; so please hold your questions for her until then. Meanwhile, for today’s discussion, I’d like to hear from you: Is Santa Claus an actual vampire? Yes/no? Evidence? And what about other famous public figures? Have you never wondered whether certain pasty-faced politicians are literal as well as figurative bloodsuckers?  Tell us your thoughts for a chance to win another copy of Karen Chance’s Midnight’s Daughter (click here for Kelly’s review). By the way, I just had the chance to read her forthcoming sequel: Death’s Mistress (in stores on 1/5) and am pleased to report that it was the most entertaining UF novel I read during all of 2009. And that’s a lot of books! I actually had to stop reading several times for laughter breaks during the funny scenes.


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STEPHEN (S.B.) FRANK, one of our guest contributors, earned a Ph.D. at Duke University and works in the field of education reform. When he needs a break from real life, he likes to indulge in urban fantasy. He has a particular love for humor, so some of his favorite authors are Dakota Cassidy, Mary Janice Davidson, Mark Henry, Julie Kenner, Katie MacAlister, Richelle Mead and Christopher Moore.

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13 comments

  1. What about the tooth fairy then? Its not substantiated that she has wings??? She only stops by at night, maybe she is not going for the teeth, but the blood left over on them from the traumatic losing of the tooth. Cute idea, BTW.

  2. I suspect my wife is a vampire. Possibly even a rival faction from the Santa vampires. She gets more and more irritable the closer it gets to Christmas. You may have just shed light on the reason! It’s the impending vampire showdown Christmas eve…wow! No wonder that fat **** stop leaving me good presents when I got married!

  3. I’ve known women who were clearly succubi or banshees, but vampire feels like a stretch.

  4. The most likely person to be a vampire would be Tom Cruise. Since he was in his 20’s he hasn’t age at all.

  5. Fascinating. I’ll run this by the vampire-reading sons – who also mostly appear at night, live in darkened rooms, don’t age (well, I can never remember their ages anyway)….

  6. Stephen, you have some good evidence here. I have always suspected that Santa’s beard is fake and your theory backs that up. Surely a vampire can not manage a fluffy white beard. He probably puts it on to:
    1. Eliminate suspicions of vampirism (ha! we saw through that one, didn’t we?)
    2. Hide evidence of vampiric activity.

  7. Well, it doesn’t look good for Santa. Do you suppose he wears red to cover up any tell tale drops of blood?

  8. Oh I think Santa has been very very naughty.

  9. I do not know a vampire. Sometimes I ask my husband to bite me. lol.

  10. I see I was bet to the Tooth Fairy. I have to agree; wings, nightly visits, fetish with teeth. Makes me wonder…

    You also have Jack Frost. You never see him, and he is soooo pale in color and hides out. He likes the cold. He lives on forever and hides in the shadows. I don’t know I sometimes wonder on a few characters we have out there.

  11. I have to agree that it’s not looking to good for Santa. The evidence is pointing towards vampire.

  12. I don’t know. It’s the reindeer that worry me. I mean, they spend all night prancing around on icy rooftops. Where did they acquire such mad balancing skills? And why is Rudolph’s nose always so red? Is he a bloodsucker too?

  13. Holy Bloodsucking Flying Animals, Batman, I never even considered the reindeer! Geez, Esther, now I may never sleep on Christmas eve again. Ever! Way to go!

    S

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